Melida

It almost sounds like magic, doesnt it?

It isnt as hard as you may think. One of the problems is that most of us are getting a shorter and short attention span, with all the changes in how media, movies and games are set up. In radio, they figure that if I dont get you in 7 seconds, youre gone. But you are still reading, which shows that there is hope for you and for your kids.

I did a workshop on listening recently. Parents answered to the question What does it mean to you to be listened to with all kinds of positive words like validated, comfortable, respected, I matter and understood. That is exactly what you will create for your child when you listen well. And wouldnt you like your child to feel that way with you?

In our daily lives we keep many balls in the air and listening is often one that loses out. I will give you a few tips that you can practice with and use to great success with your kids.

1. Decide to listen. By making that decision you have shifted you attention already and it will be easier to commit your ears to follow your decision.

2. Make listening your #1 priority. Isnt doing the dishes, watching the game, finishing whatever you are doing less important than creating a situation in which you child feel appreciated, heard and understood? We think so, but we dont always act that way. By making listening a conscious #1 priority, your child will feel important and heard.

3. Assume that they have a positive intention. Research has shown that children start communication with you in a positive or normal tone. We are busy and at times only hear them when they have tried that and have moved on to getting attention in a more negative way. Because we simply didnt tune in at first we hear only step three and not the first ones!

4. Postpone your judgment Listen for the unexpected instead of thinking that you already know where this is leading and having your judgment ready.

5. Help them by giving back in your own words what you think theyre saying and how theyre feeling about it. Actively doing this gets you credit for understanding on both head and heart levels. Credit that goes towards building a strong open relationship.

6. Be interested and use your face, voice and body to show that you listen, hear, care, love and appreciate them. This can be very subtle, like glancing sideways in the van, catching their eye, or turning towards them for a moment as you are in the isles of a supermarket.

7. Practice this often. When your child knows that you offer many listening opportunities and make them fit with when they usually want to talk, they will build the confidence that you will listen the next time too. And it helps them open up instead of shut down. And by investing all that practice you create the foundation for them to talk, especially when a situation arises that you want them to tell you something!

Have fun practicing and recognize that it make take 10, 20 or more times before your child takes you up on the offer, but by then you are sharp as a listener! And they will feel hear, appreciated, validated and I matter!

Wouter van der Hall, author of The Parent Program, has worked in child welfare for decades. He offers parents positive attitudes, tools and skills to be the great parent they can be. To reach Wouter: 1 888 379 4222 wouter@theparentprogram.com http://www.theparentprogram.com